Ever since that evening when I became aware of these bloody hearts on my MSN, the motivation behind all this has never stopped being a mystery to me. Some of these 'friends', I almost know for sure, are doing this just for the sheer look of it; but what amazes me is that many of them, intelligent guys, of whom I have high opinion, may have been following the news and thought about it before exhibiting their hearts.  I mean, you can't be serious, can you? I had been these couple of days drafting something satiric in my mind, which I prefer to drop, not only because I am comtemptibly idle, also because, which is more off-putting, I don't find it comfortable to humourlessly make fun of my friends' judgement. Of course it doesn't mean that I should immunize them from criticism just because I try to come out as 'a nice guy', but this is so not the place to say it. And that is exactly why I always find it annoying to write here anything that involves the people who are in my contact list, for I can never be that honest. 

      After all, what do you mean by 'hearting', used as a verb, 'China'？ Little as I care about the news, to my limited understanding, it's totally beside the point, isn't it?      

      I have a quotation in my notebook: 'patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel' (Samuel Johnson), which, though very suitable in the bigger context at the moment, is not suitable, I am again almost sure, for my 'friends'. Another quotation by Edmund Burke: 'to make us love our country, our country ought to be lovely', though not exactly what I mean to convey, sums up something that in my opinion should be long ago settled.

 

      So much for today. Refutation welcomed. Someone explains please.

     

     卓越上Fowler的《Modern English Usage》终于有货，下订单手抖心缠，很久没有那么想要一本书了。此书成于上世纪一二十年代，图书馆里有一本Earnest五十年代修订的版本，我本来想如果买不到我只能前赴后继不停续借之，将其霸占；如是已半年，其身虽占，其心难留，终究不是自己的。我景仰的两个英国人，Churchill骂下属英文太差，写给他的请示条子上intense和intensive用错，就要他去多读读Fowler；另一个是毛姆，他说I don't think anyone can write so well that he cannot learn much from reading Fowler。所以一定要有一本自己的福勒，手不释之四五年，也可以骂别人英文不通了。
     今天课上提到罗素，罗素牛逼，诺贝尔拿的却是文学奖。英国人对于语言态度认真，公众人物讲话、写点东西文字功夫都很好。是罗斯福说的？他说Churchill有把文字送上战场的功夫（Mobilize the English language and send them to the battlefield），二战要不是丘吉尔英文好，说不定英国就挺不过来。丘吉尔写个六七卷的二战回忆录，四卷的英国历史，玩儿似的，加起来比狄更斯斯科特两个人所有小说的字数都多；他也拿了诺贝尔文学奖。
     英国人对宏大和细节有想同的迷恋。所以最具英伦禀性的书他们说是牛津字典，所以Britannica百科全书还是最好的。我不自觉地Anglo-Phile。ABC没意思，我说我是Britain Born Chinese，BBC。大英帝国日早落矣，这个广播电视台倒依然血统纯正，霸气犹存，已俨然成我宗教。这两天在下BBC的Planet Earth，十一集纪录片，用最好的机器拍地球上没有人去过的地方，我对大自然说实在的没有那么大的好奇，吸引我的，是英国人本性里那种不动声色的自恋——一不小心就留下了什么传世的东西，（英语的用法日新月异，美语早已站在了巨人的肩膀上撒尿，Fowler的这本辞书一百年了，还在印），好像什么都没发生似的。

     三月十三日：“昂立再次试讲归来，深感生活之没劲，一排文字一个个从脑背爬出来：‘多么希望世界的长度是我脸与我书之间的距离’。坐在地铁里，捧着一本五百多页的丘吉尔，实在。我称之为genuine hypocrisy。我的虚伪真诚而坦荡。”
 
     不出几日，一个电话过来通知我开课，从此，每天与教案恶斗，天空暗淡，任何一个下午的阳光明媚都暖不起一缕书香。
     那天正逼近Mansfield Park的结尾。心想这个有意思。留级生，虽然现在是名正言繁的大三，呆在交大已经四年了，四部简姑小说，大致一年一部。高三，看了李安傲慢与偏见，在上海书展买了本Sense & Sensibility，应该是我第一本真正原版书，大一此时彼日缓缓读完，和电影情节相符的，凑合猜出意思，电影中没说的，基本读不懂；大二大三暑假，厮磨高口同时开读Pride & Prejudice，英语日渐茁壮，几乎这本书都可见证我每一页上的生词从多到少的过程，笔试前一周也不复习，躲在小说里不问试事；大三下，拿出早先存着的Emma，阅读和生活一样惬意；可能是英语又有进步，今年读Mansfield Park，觉得Jane Austen从来没有那么好过。
     那天上课，讲efficient reading，我说我不相信速读，然后介绍Woody Allen，他说过一句话，I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia. （实际上原话是it involves Russia.）我说这就好比一个中国人说，我最近学了一种很好的阅读方法，把红楼梦半个小时就看完了。里面有一堆女人。
     结果就为了上这个课，我自己只能趁课间饭前把Mansfield Park草草读完，对不住简姑。我早说了，阅读本是件看似朴质，又极为奢侈的事情。
     
     我早说了，我对世界最大的贡献就是让我中五百万。我给自己租个八百块钱的公寓，一室一厨一厕，在房梁上刻博尔赫斯:"They say life is the thing, but I prefer reading."平日把自己关起来，单周周末出来买书，双周周末出来买碟，吃一次麦当劳，喝一杯星巴克。读二十年书，看三千六百五十部电影，写一本类似于《A confession of a Chinese ink-drinker》的没人愿意出的书。差不多了，买两条万宝路，把自己抽死。
     不然，我他妈肯定是个祸害。浪费资源，徒增天地间的怨念。如果我以后有什么“贡献”，我目前很难相信，那份贡献会是“正”的。